I Keep Messing Up, But Here I'll Stay
by thesquiglet
Summary: If Todd screws any of this up, he knows he'll have Farah, Mona, Amanda and by extension the Rowdy 3 coming after him. Written for the Dirk Gently Beginner Bang 2018


Written for the Dirk Gently Beginner Bang 2018.

The artwork for this fic can be found here -

All in all Dirk had thought, this had been a fairly successful mission, if you hadn't counted the man he was kneeling next to, said man currently lying on the ground next to him bleeding out from his rib-cage.

All they had meant to have been doing was picking up some __things __for their client (who had actually been one of Thor's friends apparently and taken such a shine to the detective agency that he wanted them to retrieve his lost time stopping medallion, with the weird mushroom man determined to block them in anyway they could; Todd internally sighing all the way through the two weeks so far), and all of a sudden someone else had come from behind to stop them in the most useless and scary way.

Todd had been on the ground for five minutes before Dirk had time to call for the ambulance, have a mini freak-out about what would happen to Todd didn't make it, and a further two to figure out he needed to call his sister. Oh god. __Amanda. __He needed to call Amanda. He just had to tear himself away from his...from...

The man about to close his eyes. No! Bad!

"Todd, please just don't close your eyes just yet, I'm calling your sister, you know Amanda, she's going to be even angrier with you if you don't stop closing your eyes right this second, and Todd I don't think this is the right time but seeing as there is no time, and I can't just let the universe take this decision away from you, and me, I...Todd?"

Dirk lifted Todd onto his lap, cradling his head into the crease of his own armpit listening for the ragged breaths to see if he was still hopefully alive, and felt the hot sting of tears from the pair of them. And if he didn't let him know now before anyone came to them then something was telling him that he may not ever be able to again.

"Todd, I don't know if you can hear me while you're busy saving yourself, like you're so accustomed to but I need you to listen to me as hard as you can. Please? I think maybe..I think maybe you're good for me. In different ways than I had previously thought, previously wanted. I'd quite like the opportunity to find out if you wanted the same but I never will if you don't make it through. Just please Todd, I care for you more than I have ever cared for anything since Blackwing and this can't happen...it just can't...the universe can't take you from me... and... I need to ring Amanda! Amanda it's Dirk, we've run into a situation and I think you need to get down here urgently, and...Todd...?...Todd?...TODD!"

* * *

When Todd woke up, he realised that first it had been hard to do, his eyelids just wanting to keep shutting, and the second was that he wasn't expecting anyone to be at his bedside. He squeezed his eyes shut this time wishing to block out the memory. - bar the last two years of his life, he didn't have many to draw back on, and that included before Amanda's diagnosis - the last time Todd had been in hospital was when he had broken his arm aged 15 and his parents hadn't bothered to come down and see him after settling him in properly seeing as he brought dangerous and incredibly sad things towards them never mind the money spent to be able to look after him (not much he admitted, had changed since then). Sure Todd had wanted to show that he was more mature than he was about it, but he'd still been pretty hurt. Even if he knew they still had to look after his sibling at home.

The only person who'd shown up constantly when he was still stuck there actually had been his little sister. Amanda had only been seven when she snuck out two days after his admittance under her parent's watchful eyes, and pegged it to the hospital. The staff had been wary of seeing a fiery seven year old bash her tiny fist on the nurse's desk and ask – almost in tears herself – for her older brother. She wanted to see him then and there. It had only been by luck one of the team had taken pity on her and taken her in to his room while another got on the phone to their mum and dad.

Amanda, the minute she had seen him, had clambered up onto the bed curling into his side as he brought the uninjured arm round her and saying her name as if she had been nothing but an image in his head. He had cried buckets after that. He had cried even more as she kept doing it to her parent's irritation until he was fully out of there and recovering at home just because she missed her older brother's gentle hugs. The nurses themselves both amused and amazed.

And now...now he was in his mid 30's, back in hospital, used to having all too real pararibulitis attacks and he didn't expect her there. Not seeing as he had messed up so badly in general life despite them working on communicating and figuring out to how to move on from the lies and having a somewhat stable, better thing now, and just be the person he should have been for Amanda, not the person he had pretended to be. The man had always known his parents wouldn't have visited after that first injury so had told the staff not to bother. Even as they phoned and he watched their faces fall.

So yeah maybe he wasn't really expecting anyone to be around him. Go figure. Maybe another rest was what was in order for him.

* * *

Todd woke up again to the same bright light, and this time a warm and intense pressure on one of his hands. That was odd. He made himself wake up further.

Seeing a teary red rimmed but relieved Dirk Gently who was now holding his hand then squeezing it every few minutes or so with one of the biggest hopeful smiles upon seeing him wake up had not been on the list at all. Far, far from the list of things he didn't deserve to have. He felt better for seeing him though, maybe not in this state but it meant a lot either way. The hand holding, the tight grip as if Dirk let go Todd would fade away.. felt awesome. Wanted. The way he constantly felt around him since he'd broken in through his window the first time. Not that he'd tell him though. Some things were so big, they had to stay secret.

He brought himself further up on the bed, wincing a little as he did so.

"D-dirk?"

"Todd! You're awake, let me just go grab that lovely nurse for you, she was the one who helped me when I brought you in, told me to talk to you when you properly acknowledged your surroundings and to get her, she is really is quite lovely, let me talk to you when you were... Don't...go back to sleep just yet?"

Todd somehow managed to nod trying to figure out why Dirk looked so skittish, why he was trying to be less 'him' when really that was what he needed right now. He needed the distraction, needed the constant flowing of words and the barrel of whatever stupid comment he'd make to help someone like him smile as he attempted to figure out what he had heard after he got stabbed. He had felt it was important. God he wished he could remember what it was.

Someone then tapped his knuckle making him raise his head.

"Well hello there, it's nice to see your eyes for once! I'm Ebony, I'll be looking after you for the next two or three days provided all goes well. Your man here has been very concerned since bringing you in a week or so ago, he's been with you constantly sleeping next to you waiting for you to open those lovely blue eyes, you're very lucky there I can tell! We phoned your parents but they said they couldn't visit, but I believe your friend here has phoned your sister who actually is on her way, she sadly couldn't get away until now due to her work but she is now so don't worry too much. He can fill you in more than that. So that's that. Your surgery to dislodge the knife buried in you went very well, and you have some very colourful red stitches in you which we will bring you in for to take out after a couple weeks, and there'll be another follow up appointment to give you a check-up with the doctor, make sure everything is in perfect working order. I'm going to leave you two to it, but if you need me, I'm just round the corner" Ebony almost skipped out the door giving a big grin as she did so.

Todd settled back down taking it all in. Amanda wasn't abandoning him, she was on her way over.

"So, how did you get her to come over, and where's Farah? No-one else got hurt right?" His voice still a little raspy from just waking up.

"No, no one else hurt. Farah is busy fiddling out your emergency contact, has been since you were brought in and there were complications or something, the hospital when contacting your parents thought it best to change it. In fact they recommended it quite strongly. So I told her to put me down as a secondary to Amanda seeing as we would actually be there. There is no way I would be leaving you alone to suffer. I called Amanda when we were...Martin picked up first and forced me to say why I was calling, so when I did he growled quite frighteningly. He put Amanda on, and they said they were all coming over once they were finished with whatever they were doing. Apparently the Rowdy 3 are quite worried about you, not just her you know. I think they've warmed up to you a bit more. I mean they still call me Icarus but I believe they were saying that to calm me down seeing as I was quite frenetic"

Todd's eyes had definitely started to tear up at these admissions. All of a sudden it didn't matter what had happened to him. Dirk was here, back in the chair he'd vacated a second ago and gripping the chair in a supreme effort to not hold his hand again – something which broke and elated something in Todd's own heart, what had he done to warrant such kindness and affection? – Amanda was on her way, along with the men who'd hated his guts just to make sure he was okay. Just to let him know he was wanted. Dirk still gripping the chair.

It didn't matter right then why his brain wondered why the man was there actually wanting to hold him, not walking away, why he kept wondering how someone like Dirk could like someone like him, how it all fit into admiring someone so constant with those affections and repeated kindness especially when it paralleled with his self loathing and desire to be more than the things he'd done. The universe had made Todd complicit in Dirk's case, and now life. He didn't know whether he was meant to be ecstatic or infuriated.

Dirk watching on had emotions of his own, mostly hiding them inside in case Todd had found him out. He had almost bared his entire soul out, and it wouldn't have been worth it. Todd clearly had been so out of it, he wouldn't have remembered any of those off handed words anyway, it'd be a miracle if he ever did. He sent a big thank you up to the universe for that fact. But now his friend looked sad, more sad than when he'd seen Dirk slammed through the Boreton's dog house a year ago. There was only one thing for it, and that was a hug. Hugs after all (especially from Todd) made him feel miles better so he hoped it would do the same.

Todd had started letting go of his own tears the minute the taller detective wrapped himself around him leaning his body over the bed until Todd wanting to get closer – and to hide his face – pulled him to sit down on the bed shuffling next to him. When Dirk started to let go, he gripped his shoulders pulling him back into it releasing all the fear, worry and affection leave him knowing having this comfort made him feel better almost instantly. Neither needed the words. The IV he had been hooked up to alongside the heart monitor to make sure that everything was okay started beeping just that little bit faster and when Dirk started to pet his hair (at first tapping the top of his head then carding his fingers through the strands) to calm him down, he started crying harder than before. God he hated looking this small, this scared, feeling this weak but so ultimately cared for.

So of course this happened to be the time his sister entered into the room with her boys, a lot quieter than usual out of respect to the others on the ward. The Rowdy 3 having never been this quiet before all taking in the scene, the three trying to betray their own concerned faces all shuffling as they waited to see what unfolded, see if they were needed there at all.

Amanda almost stumbled her own feet trying to get to him quicker than she could. The minute she was next to his bed, she tapped Dirk on his shoulder so he let go so she could then clamber onto the bed and lie down next to his uninjured side just like she had done when she was five, now hugging him tighter than he could ever think back to now shushing him as he tried to escape back into Dirk's grip. His tears stopped then, just hiccups coming through and gasps for breaths as he got over his shock that she was actually there, that Dirk was only in the corner now smiling tenderly. Present. Worried.

"Amanda?"

"Hey asshole"

"I think I shall leave you two to it. I'll take the Rowdy 3 with me for now, so you get brother/sister time. I don't think you've had that for a while so I...will find something for them to break, and we'll be back later. Don't tire yourself out too much Todd, I actually like talking to you when your beeping monitor thing doesn't go off"

"Dude are you going or what?" Amanda sighed as she attempted to curl even further into her brother's arms and punched the other one for getting himself stuck in this situation. Dirk almost skipping over to the former subjects hiding fresh new tears.

Martin had been leaning in the doorway taking in the scene smirking at the interactions, and then at how wound Icarus was, seeing those tears wasn't new either, boy always being scared of anything that came near him but now they sorta knew each other since that weird universe thing he had grown not to love the boy but tolerate..maybe even..like him at least. Maybe he'd love him like his boys if they kept teaming up like this. British guy needed protection and he needed support away from what they had been used to. They had all their stuff to deal with but Icarus couldn't have been any closer in age to Vogel's and that brought up something...weird. Something almost fatherly...seeing the man cry holding the American closer, well that was the final straw. He and Amanda's brother were going to have a talk whenever they sorted themselves out.

The brother was important away from Blackwing, these boys clearly good for each other, the scrappier of the two always ready to fight for their freedom and to help remember them they could exist as someone outside of the facility. Trying to recognise he had better things to be now than breaking his lil sister's heart once again.

Right now the boy needed to get out of that room. So he added his voice into the fray. They were learning who they really were outside of the facility. Martin figuring throughout his own tiny ramble of thoughts that they'd been enclosed all their lives til the blackout, until they'd met their respective Brotzmans. They'd even been teaming up on occasions, Todd easily being accustomed to their company now he knew they were both there to stay and that they'd look after Amanda even going so far as to joke with them once or twice. Much as he did break drummer's heart the first time and now, almost breaking this guy's as well. He had to give them space. Icarus needed a moment away from his boy to process a little easier hence mentioning his own rowdy boys. No time like the present. Then when he didn't expect it, he could sneak up on Brotzman and brace him ready for that looking after Blackwing happening talk.

"We're going drummer, we'll be back, don't get into no trouble while we're away with your boy . Let's go!"

As they left Amanda let her own self go bringing out the tears that had been kept in, tears she rather no one would see beside him. She could fall apart here. She trusted him again, somehow.

"Todd, don't you ever do this to me again"

"Geez, okay, I'm sorry I got stabbed by a potential crazy guy! Always forget how crazy some of these cases can be but that's my life now, guess I just forget how dangerous sometimes. I'm 'kay, 'Mannda...with Dirk, he got me...he always..got mee. He's so kind...Hey, hey Man!...manda, he's gor-gorgeous. Can be who I am with him, asshole and all. Want to see him all time. Not worth...not worth 'im. Want to call him mine, M'da."

"Okay, you're slurring your words and oversharing now much like when we had those sleepovers in either of our rooms when we were younger so I think it's time you got a little shut-eye. I promise I won't tell anyone any of this although I reserve the right to laugh constantly afterwards. I wouldn't worry about Dirk not feeling the same either. He really likes you too Todd. Listen, I know mum and dad won't bother, but I'm staying in Seattle. Just until you get better. I feel better knowing I'm closer to you right now. And I need to sign that form as your emergency contact so there's something else. Farah managed to work it all out. The Rowdies want to look after Dirk as well or at least that's what they're saying, I think maybe they're a little used to you as a unit and this might have shaken them as well, we're all pretty scared for you both, nothing has ever sounded like that phone call not even like your first attack and I never want anything like that again, so...I'm going to start working out on helping you through recovery and you are going to sleep, no take backs"

Todd barked out a laugh which managed to hide another sob as he followed his sister's voice into restful sleep.

* * *

"So, seeing as we're stuck here for yet another fun filled day in the most boring but useful place on earth after the first two I've come and seen you for, can we finally talk about it?"

Todd shifted his head to turn towards his sister currently drawing a pack of playing cards out of her jacket. They'd been the packet Todd had given to Amanda after he'd swiped it from the library asshole who'd thought it had been funny to hurl a textbook at another student studying quietly in the corner. The girl had thrown him out straight afterwards but not without the teary eyed thank you he got from the student. He'd never told Amanda how he got them, just passed them over the next time they fell asleep one of their impromptu sleepovers. The cards now placed next to Dirk's black tie.

"Talk about what?"

"The fact that the only time I have ever stepped in this room, no matter what time, it has had Dirk in it, beside y'know that first time. Cos like, in case you hadn't noticed Todd, he's always here"

"Dirk's always followed me wherever I go even I tell him not to, that's pretty normal for him"

"Dude? Are you serious right now? Are we really not going to talk about this?"

"That depends on what it is? Amanda what am I supposed to be talking about?!"

"I saw the scene. You hugging Dirk like if it was the last time, him hugging you after seeing you almost die. You hugging back even tighter. Me trying to hug you but you wanting to grab hold of Dirk again. I'm not stupid Todd. I know something happened before I came in and it didn't look like you were fighting, it just looked like..."

"Like?"

"Like he was calming you down, comforting you. Todd, you don't let people just 'comfort' you. So what changed?"

"It was Dirk"

Amanda waited for more to the answer and when none happened, she whacked his leg and almost threw the playing cards at him. Todd used to her doing this simply moved his head out the way flicking any cards near him back at her, the nurse watching on from her station hiding her smile at the close sibling's antics.

"Hey, I'm injured, you can't do that to me!"

"And what, you're going to tell me on mum and dad? Don't lie to me Todd"

"Fine! I woke up just like I did when I was younger, and there was no one. Just like last time. And then...then there was. Only it wasn't the person I thought. It was...better. I felt better. He stayed with me until the ambulance got to us, then signed me in then stayed with me until I woke up fully, just so I had someone to wake up to, and he never even knew about our parents and things like this, he just did it because I was his friend. It meant something more than I could..I..He's good Amanda, the fact it was Dirk holding my hand, keeping me close and letting me feel what I wanted to without asking for any explanation, it just brought something closer"

Amanda took her brother in, seeing him struggle with expressing his feelings wasn't anything new, the only time he ever did freely when really drunk or a 3am about to sleep ramble. She had a hunch herself about what he had been trying to lead with much like the other day. He wasn't hiding from her, or attempting to cheat his way out of feeling something, he really had been changing. All the time she had been staying with him so far she had been expecting something else, some other lie she'd have to recover from however there was nothing. He was just there. Lying in a hospital. After being stabbed. Talking like always about Dirk. She stood from her position on the chair bringing it the two short steps closer to his bed and sitting back down on it. She rested her elbows on the bed near his legs, face serious.

"Todd? Do you have like, feelings for Dirk? Serious feelings? Because I never ever have you seen this completely feeling-y about anyone else. I mean, like it's cool, it's cooler than cool. Dirk is, he's awesome and I can totally see it with the balancing out thing and you are just like, are constantly caring for each other, I mean he is literally a human puppy, but what are you so worried about? It's Dirk"

"Exactly. I screw good things up! I screwed my own damn life up! How am I meant to look after someone who has been through something much worse than me? He deserves someone who is able to look after him and enjoy his crappy jokes or comfort him after all that Blackwing shit, and be able to talk to him. I don't even know what shit was happening in there because he won't tell anyone, I don't know whether I __could__ do that let alone wanting to. I still watch him get scared of our nerve disease and I hate seeing that look. He always thinks when something is wrong, he's to blame. He hides under his desk if there's any hint of something coming to get him, and he can be so distant, but he gets out almost instantly ready to help the person through our door. I've hurt him once already when I called him something I really regret, I don't know whether I could do that again. Amanda there is something there for me, but Dirk...he isn't someone I have ever seen myself going crazy over and yet here I am, going crazy. Maybe the craziest I've been over someone because you're right and I don't want to break. If I was better or there was less at stake maybe I would think differently, but -"

"Todd, get over yourself. You haven't even asked yourself the question of what would happen if Dirk feels the same. Which by the way I'm pretty sure he does. It's not a question of you being better than him or vice versa, it's about you choosing him and him choosing you. Okay you're not the most communicative person I know, but you're working on it Todd. This right here, us talking is proof. And you're not as big of a selfish asshole any more either. You actually do what's right. Surprise for all of us. If you like him then you like him. Really I don't think I've met anyone else that would walk to the ends of the earth for you. Crushing on Dirk something disgustingly chronic isn't wrong or weird, and we all fall for people we don't think we would at some point. You're going to regret this otherwise and you know it. The only way to figure this out, is to ask him. Trust me Todd. You don't want to fuck this up. I know you don't. So do it already. Get it, do __it. __Or I get to tell Farah about what happened when you were 22, blue painted hair, dad's hammer and nail gun missing and you -"

Todd clamped his hand over his sister's mouth glaring at her.

"Don't you even think about it!"

The pair looked at each other before bursting into laughter. God Todd was better knowing he had Amanda back. Even for just that little while. It was even better when Ebony came in to tell him he could go home, provided he had friends who could look after him and his attacks properly, and no strenuous activity for at least two weeks. After that, he had to take it as easy as possible for a month or so, everyone recovered differently. After that she had helped grab his clothes and then weirdly hugged him. The Rowdy 3 had then come in with Dirk from their daily breaking things trip joining in for the world's most awkward group hug. Todd got to go home tonight.

* * *

Three weeks on bed rest was absolutely agonising for someone like Todd who now loved the thrill of doing something. He loved the days full of action despite feeling like he'd have to sleep for two years, and now he was laid up not being able to do anything in case he hurt himself again or according to Farah 'decided to be an idiot and let the stitches out earlier than he should'. Whatever, they were coming out in the next few days anyways and then he could maybe come back into the office.

He hadn't realised how much he had converted to the universe and it's never ending cause to bring him and the agency trouble, never mind missing it.

Speaking of missing trouble right now, Farah had made Dirk go back to work, the week after they had all settled back in to a more normal routine saying he had looked awful and to grab some rest. Farah's own way of understanding those unsaid Blackwing/holistic issues probably. Todd had been reluctant to let him go. He'd had a really bad nightmare when he was laid up in bed a couple of days ago completely unable to settle – Dirk on the couch with many blankets on him because he had decided Todd literally couldn't do anything except go to the bathroom on his own - and Dirk had rushed over calming him instantly with soft tones and another one of his secure warm hugs.

It wasn't until he realised that the blankets balled up on the floor weren't even touched that he noticed his friend hadn't gone to sleep at all clearly being used to this thinking a bit too late, and was focused on helping someone else through their own issues instead of his own hoping he could just block it out and forget it, in typical Dirk fashion. Even when it came to his attacks, he never had been as steady or quiet as then. He'd then sat next to Todd until he had fallen right back asleep as Dirk ran his hands through his hair much like he'd done in the hospital. His face had been the first thing he'd woken up to in the morning as well, trying to pretend he didn't see or want to wipe away that sad lingering smile afterwards. Ever since then the assistant had been getting broken sleep.

He was safe here in his apartment, happily noting that he would be throwing himself back in danger as soon as he could, and that Amanda had still been visiting him as much as she could, their conversations these days talking things out and actually laughing with each other. Actually. Laughing.

Every time he looked back to how their relationship was, he'd kick himself. Thank God he was evolving.

He even had taken to repeating his and Amanda's conversation on a loop in order to focus on something other than his boredom, the same result appearing every time and him electing to ignore it. Especially now after that morning.

He would have to talk to him. And actually have to focus on expressing things, and emotions. __Ugh.__

Fucking Amanda being right as usual.

* * *

Two days from then and by the time it had hit 8pm and back at home did it actually hit Todd that finally he had his stitches out feeling freer than he had for the past month or so, but still having to be on rest and away from work. Still there were no active cases right now so he wasn't able to be jealous of that at least.

Instead he curled into the blankets some more, and went back into attempting to sleep. It had been going really well for the first time in about three days, until he heard an ear piecing and quite scared scream. In an attempt to get a good night's sleep, he stayed in the bed. It was when the silent tears and louder gasps for air as if someone was choking him started did he start to feel bad for being a selfish asshole once more.

He thought he was getting past all that finally. Clearly he had more to learn from. But that didn't matter right then, the man attempting to hide his pain and not feeling like he could search for help was far more important. His heart felt like someone had curled it and scrunched it in a fist as he took in the sight in front of him.

The man had fallen off of the couch, a blanket falling with him that had protected him against the floor badly, and he had curled his long body into himself as if to protect from whatever was invading his space holding his hands to his neck moving his head as if he was being choked and unable to answer no.

"How the fuck are you still asleep? You know what, never mind. I don't know why I'm surprised. I gotta wake you up before you actually hurt yourself though. Knowing you, you probably would. Jesus"

He knelt down and gently placed a hand on his shoulder which woke the detective easily. His eyes blown a little wide and breathing heavy. The taller man had brought one of his hands over his mouth to stop any noise he was making almost scrambling himself back into a corner. Todd trying to pretend he had this situation in control. Pretending none of this constricted something deep in his heart. Pretending that he didn't want to take the taller frightened not knowing what to do man in his arms holding him tightly and be able to start pressing feather light kisses into his hair then face telling him all the while that Todd had him, that he was so cared for really from so many people. That he was so cared and comforted for by Todd, that he wasn't somewhere that would do anything he didn't want, and that he was safe here because so was he. Neither of them were alone any longer and Todd just wouldn't ever let go, he'd listen to Dirk scream and cry, theorise and laugh if it meant he got to be the one listening to it. God he hated he couldn't show that on his face or through his words. Actions had always worked better with him somehow. God, Dirk still looked as if he wanted to run away from whatever had gripped him so hard in his nightmare.

"Hey, hey Dirk, it's me! It's me! You're alright, we're back at my apartment in the Ridgely, you're not there any..anymore, you're with me" He kept his hand on his shoulder in a weird attempt to help ground him. He hoped it worked.

"Todd?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's me. Just me"

"Why are you out of bed?"

Todd stepped back a little then at Dirk's inquisitive yet still gentle voice, and concerned he had been able to snap out of his nightmare so easily. Dirk clearly not wanting to say what had just happened too held by how real and raw it was. He hated that this most likely happened most nights (and let himself growl internally at the CIA and the trauma they'd given their subjects), again the urge to kiss it all away or at least simmer it down until Dirk didn't have to concentrate on nothing but his lips on his getting rid of those tears. His pulse going up a little more as he noticed the detective was watching on waiting for an answer now fully awake.

"Todd? Did you..want...need something?"

Todd's throat seized up a little at the tiny inflection, lifted his hand off of his shoulder, looked into his eyes, and brought it round to scratch the back of his neck trying to find the words to help until he thought...maybe.. the actions would work better in this situation. He could use his actions to counteract the ones made in the nightmare, he could use it as a strength for once. Dirk deserved to know he was wanted and treasured as much as he was to the shorter man. He'd have to do it before he bottled his nerve as well. That in mind Todd made himself step back into his friend's space still in his knelt position from the two minutes that had passed attempting to reach for something. When he felt his fingers touch Dirk's knuckles he felt braver unfolding the shaking fist now lacing them together instead brushing his thumb over Dirk's fingers back and forth for a minute. Both of their breathing a little heavier. Dirk's eyes darting from the floor to Todd's hands back to the floor. Like he couldn't understand why.

Todd's heart was pounding against his chest threatening to burst out of it's safely contained organs. God his heart wouldn't stop __**pounding.**__

"Dirk, can I? I mean. God now I don't even know. I heard you, and I.."

"You what? Todd, why are you holding my hand like this? Not that I mind or hate it but you hate initiating contact sometimes. Or talking unless it's to rant at what or whoever is being aimed at you, I mean not to say that when you make an effort with those words, that they don't count but if you can, you usually... I don't know. You just prefer to have the silence and the nice contented moments with coffee and a smile across the room. Todd I mean, I appreciate it if you're doing this to make me feel better really however what makes this so different? I just had a nightmare, it wasn't anything you need to be concerned about especially seeing as you're still recovering yourself...Todd you're breathing quite hard, Todd are you okay?"

No he couldn't do this right now, the bravery leaving him fully. It was all becoming a little bit too real, thoughts of not being deserving enough and too brash again, too hurtful to everyone he touched. Amanda and talking it all out be dammed. As much as he wanted him, he couldn't have him. Not when he was the way he was. Who he could be. Dirk's trusting and compassionate face so close so he took the easiest way out he could standing up letting go of it all. He was about halfway back into his own room imagining he could make the break for it.

"Nothing. Please don't bash your head on the floor or whatever this time"

"No Todd! Please! Please don't leave me! I mean...I might have had a stronger nightmare than I just let on, and I think I'd appreciate your company. Besides I want..I think I need you to tell me what it was you were trying to say before you started to over think it. Before you decided that whatever it is you're thinking has got you so worked up. This is important. To you, isn't it? Not just what you're about to tell me but it's you so it's important in general. I don't know what you're assuming I'm going to do Todd but I can promise I'll listen. Something is telling me it's important and I need to listen to it. That. So what is it? Hmm?"

Dirk then stood up shedding all the blankets off, opening up his space for Todd to climb into as he made his way over to the doorway, and then like the petulant part of him folded his arms waiting for the answer. Reassuring eyes not moving from Todd's own. Dirk really acted like a child within his maturity sometimes. The assistant didn't think he'd change that if he could, he wondered if part of it went into his time with the CIA. Wondered if anything else there caused other things in Dirk, like those nightmares, like those panic attacks he had in Wendimoor. Didn't want to focus on any possible confirmed answers.

"Todd?"

"I talked with Amanda. I..this isn't what I want"

Dirk's face fell and Todd swore internally again trying to claw back the little control over this conversation he had.

"No, that's not what I meant Dirk. Shit. I mean it is but it isn't and I...god I hate this. I hate things like this. What am I even doing? I like you, okay? I really like you. In the weirdest but possible best of ways. It's not important when I don't know whether you do either or if this could ever be explained but I needed that out there! So there. It's done. Amanda said I would regret otherwise and I believe her. You not knowing. So I've done that, it's over! Completely! Goodnight Dirk"

Dirk started brightening as he stopped him moving into his room again by grabbing his shoulders looking up into eyes that were trying to stop tears falling making his face redder now reaching out to cup that wary face with two hands. Looking as if there was nothing that would stop him from saying what he would next with his best friend trying to bolt from the unexpected.

"Oh. That is quite important. I see. Todd? What did you think I was going to say. However you thought this was going to end it isn't in the way you're thinking. You think it's just wise to walk away from me after all of this? You silly man Todd! Not even close. I think you are one of the first people who ever tried to get me back when I went missing or cared about me when I couldn't get out of my own way. You're a good person and a good brother and because you also stopped me being alone. Not that I don't want to be with you because you helped me be less alone. I want to be with you because you're...well...wonderful even with all your inky bits. Do you think you know what's best for me anyway? What others have thought were the best for me? I mean I never do either, but I still keep chasing what I think is. If there's anything I have questioned, it's been people's motivations towards me but you Todd, you keep me away from all that. I..you keep me away from the things that hurt me, you actually talk to me which is very rare actually and I know you tell me things you don't tell others because you know I won't do anything with it, I've been told when I do it can be quite alarming and okay maybe I should see a pattern when people want something, but I do the same for you. Not as well as you because there's a reason you're the assistant here but still. I thought I'd lose you there when you were..injured. Unhelpful memories there.

You think you aren't deserving of me, but you are. I know things aren't easy with me and I keep things shut out, and I find it hard to express really what I think or tell you when I have nightmares or panic attacks because of...but I can work on that! We can work on that as a team, together! You deserve to be happy Todd. I want to be worthy of having someone like you. I don't want just one part of you. Don't walk away from this because you're worried about saying the wrong thing or you don't think you deserve to be happy with me because you haven't. I want all of you, even the grey and blackened. I just want __you__"

Todd's mouth hung open and his eyes were shining now letting some of those so called tears loose and letting Dirk wipe them away. This couldn't be real. How had he guessed that was what he'd been building up to saying? That he'd feel the same? He'd wake up tomorrow and this would all just be a fever dream. How did he end up with someone like Dirk Gently? The softer tones now permeating throughout the room striking something else between the pair.

"This is real. I will not leave any of this up to the universe, not this part. This is me telling you that I am completely and utterly crazy about you too. I promise you. I don't think there is anything that could stop me feeling from how I have since I met you. I really like you as much you do the other way round even if you can't express it as eloquently, and I cannot believe the universe has given me someone who could actually like me like this. That someone could put up with me like this. I promise I will not just disappear. If you're feeling up to it we could...I mean...if you wanted to...could we?"

"Could we what?" Todd waited a little for the asshole to finish his sentence knowing he was going back to being tired as hell, yawning, the adrenaline fading feeling somehow better from all the words spouted feeling pleasantly surprised they were definitely on the same page.

"Share. The bed I mean. I mean would it hurt if we did? Would it hurt your injury if we did?"

He couldn't believe what he was hearing again but without even knowing it, the words had brought out a faint smile with an oddly shy nod as he grabbed both Dirk's hands properly this time leading them out of the living room backwards remaining careful of not tripping over anything and back onto the bed in Todd's bedroom not focusing on either of each other's faces as they settled down.

It had been like they'd been sharing for years, not just tonight as Dirk elected to bring Todd closer to his chest than he'd ever thought he could have now curling one of his arms around Todd's waist then pecking the side of his neck, with the other grasping one of Todd's not letting go anytime soon. He felt safe and protected here. Warm. Just like the man who was now holding him was. Not planning to let him go. Dirk was his person, he could feel it.

Dirk made him laugh when he needed it, held him when he had an attack or needed to hide a cry from the world, he was honest and caring, so wonderfully upbeat when in the face of dealing with his trauma and he never let Todd pull any of his past stunts or attempts to get away from something that needed his attention. He understood him more than he understood himself sometimes. The singer wondering if Dirk felt the same way. They'd had to deal with some really weird ass things but they battled through it together. They were best friends. God, the man had so many things to deal with himself like he'd mentioned, and he still battled through attempting in his own way to bring happiness and justice to others trying to pretend it never happened in case he ever lost where he was now. It's nice he realises, to have someone willing to watch out for you, willing to comfort you and say it'd all be okay even when it wasn't. He breathed in the holistic man's scent, smiled faintly ready to stop any further nightmares for the evening and let all the fear and worry he was fearing about entering a new stage in their relationship dissipate. For now. Just for now.

Ever since those few weeks ago he had been feeling more and more inside. When he'd told Amanda this wasn't what he envisioned, he hadn't been lying although to stop using something more than like had been hard to conceal. The shock at how easily the word had been to fit alongside Dirk had taken a long day to calm down from and almost brought on another of his attacks. Maybe he could say those words over one day, not now though. Not when he could still mess up something so fresh, and someone so determined to not let anything separate them and wanted to actively be with him in all ways possible. Then like a light-bulb being changed and switched on, he remembered. He exhaled as quietly as he could due to the suddenness of it now hearing the quiet breaths from a once again asleep man.

The nurse had said his ordeal had been fairly traumatic and he might have some sort of memory loss maybe getting it back one day. He didn't think it would happen so quickly. Thinking back it had been like when he started to make the way into liking Dirk in a different way than when they'd finished their first case and when he braved going back into Blackwing on their second.

He remembered the words Dirk had said to him. Dirk had been holding him. He'd been pleading with his universe. He had been holding an injured and bleeding man who he'd let himself get close to for the first time possibly ever to someone, called his sister who he knew Todd would want to see and thinking he was going to lose someone else in his life leaving him all alone again told him what he thought he would never get to say earlier.

He pressed himself even closer (if that was even possible) picking up and pressing a quick kiss to his best friend's hand not wanting to spill more tears than he had tonight then placing it back down (and because feelings were gross), then settled back into his warm bed to sleep.

If there was anything better than Dirk Gently's arm's holding him, whispering lovely things in his ear not as asleep as had been thought but not caring when he exhaled Todd's name laden with something sweet in his voice, then he didn't think he would believe it.

* * *

"So when are you actually going to appear at work Todd? I know you need to recover, I'm not pushing that really and it's not like me asking you to recover quicker. I don't want you to recover so quickly that you suddenly make yourself worse, we do not need you to hurt yourself further. I mean not that I don't like sharing a space with Dirk, because I don't, I mean really I don't, it's been a month...well month and a half and I've survived but it can get a little too much. I just...you know what he can be like Todd, and he's on this missing person's case now, I've got to get involved before he decides to run off to the next town again on his own and honestly I believe he might get into trouble before he gets out of it, I mean did he goodbye to you earlier or?"

Todd smirked before rolling his eyes at his best friend's antics. Farah had been the second to know of them getting together after Amanda – with thankfully less squealing and a shorter calmer hug- she had a point. He sat up this time with no wincing (his stitches now fully out and on the tiniest of rests, he was told he could return to his normal work soon, a thought he was elated to hear and almost forcing himself to get better quicker much to the avail of his co-workers now being reprimanded by Farah once more) but for now it was still simple tasks and they'd handed the normal paperwork he had missed on him. Farah had only been too pleased to have someone worry about how much they were spending, and how to eat properly with her, apparently confectionery and cold pizza stunk out the office more than anything.

"Yeah, he uh, kissed me goodbye, said not to move my ass except to eat and stuff. Are you just here to deliver paperwork and tell me about what you're doing or did you want something or?"

"You know I don't mind you being together Todd. In fact I welcome it. A little bit, maybe not on the job because that's not professional and we need to remain professional although admittedly a lot of what we do is not that professional, but I accepted it fairly quickly off of the bat. You two are good for each other. Honestly with the pining, it was hard to keep up with. On both sides. I would have told Amanda but I thought it was best to let you two get on with it. I came here for another reason actually yes"

Todd patted the space on the sofa next to him and paused the film he'd put on as background noise as he had flicked through his phone bored as hell ignoring the paperwork brought over right now. She sat down taking as little space as she could possible, Todd bringing his knees up to his chin now.

Farah looked uncomfortable, like she was having to think about her words before she spoke, stood up walking round the room with her hands on her hips before sitting back to where she was looking as if she also wanted to flee the area, all of it was as if she was performing an important and necessary duty.

He helped get the ball rolling for what she needed to say.

"Farah?"

"How long have you actually been going out for Todd?"

"About three weeks or so, I guess"

"And are you going to continue with all of this?"

"Farah, are you asking what my intentions are towards Dirk? __Dirk?__"

"While I admit sometimes his methods in the past have unnerved me, he like Patrick gave my life a lot of purpose. I'm not going to allow myself to lose two Patrick's this time"

"He's special to me Farah. Holisticness and all. I want him in my life, in this way for as long as I can"

Her short, faint smile was a good enough answer to her question. Then it went and a cold look was in place, putting him off kilter a bit. She never gave him this look, only to people she didn't trust that much or to people that she thought were going to approach Dirk with less than good things, like a protective stance.

That Todd supposed was most likely it. He knew they'd all start on him the minute it went round he was dating Dirk Gently. Honestly he couldn't blame them. It hadn't mattered what his boyfriend said or kept saying when Todd went into a spiral of self loathing and sad acceptance he'd screwed up so much in life or that he could hurt Dirk. He knew if he wasn't careful he could blow up this whole thing. Maybe getting speeches from someone who wanted to protect his partner would solidify the annoyance that he could properly look after him. They'd managed some of their nightmares so far at least, Todd actually having less from his stabbing but the pararibulitis coming through more often as Dirk shook out the tablet waiting for it to end looking so scared before asking if he wanted to stay up or go back to sleep swiftly coming down to peck his cheek as reassurance he wasn't going to just leave or ignore him. Todd himself trying to ignore the crying for most of Dirk's. Thankfully all that was ever needed was Todd pressing his lips to his and telling him he was there, not where he thought he'd been for most of his life. Dirk always humming back gratefully letting Todd hold him. Farah's voice bringing him back to the present.

"Todd, I know you might not want to hear this, scratch that I know you probably won't want to hear it. I know things happen, but if you do hurt Dirk, with intention..."

The unspoken words hung in the air surrounding him. He knew Dirk and Farah had struck up a bond which had also gotten as strong as his, but he hadn't anticipated how strong or for her to relate him to Patrick Spring which had taken the wind out of him.

"That's the last thing I'll say to you about that but don't think I will be the last person you will have that said to either. I think even Dirk forgets he has more than one person looking out for him now where he never did before after all that happened in Wendimoor. Now I have to get back but I hope you come back soon, believe it or not but you aren't actually the worst coffee maker there. I'll send him back to you when we're done within this week or so. Get some rest"

With that she had left, the awkwardness of the conversation over, and happily shut the door behind her as he began to muse on what she had been speaking about. He'd known Farah would be as supportive as possible but the other comment was still plaguing him a little.

Others? What others? He knew Amanda had talked him with him a little at the hospital, no threats as of yet thankfully and they'd been texting more than ever or whenever she elected to answer her phone that was. He felt good knowing he was getting better at being an actual brother and not just as her carer, even if he never regretted being that to her once.

Others. Who would be the others? Who would Dirk actually still be in contact with? Who'd want to protect Dirk more than Farah? Make him wonder how he was actually doing being in a couple? As far as he remembered, there was barely anyone besides...

Wait a minute.

Oh. Oh no. __Others.__

The former Blackwing subjects. The ones he'd met on his journey when he'd first had a shoe thrown at him, since the death maze and..and the unforgettable in-saneness of the magical dimension of Wendimoor. Those Rowdy guys, Mona..and maybe if she possibly found them, having somehow escaped and bringing hell on earth back to it's rightful axis, __Bart. Dirk may not be on the best terms with her but she still wanted to look out for people like her.__

__O__h god if he had to face Bart, that was it, he'd tap out, he would go live in the woods. That was it for him. He would give up everything and go live in those woods. Yet Dirk imagined he didn't have that (for good reasons he knew) but he did, in his own way.

Protective of Dirk each in their own ways and he was going to be the brunt of all of that. Just like a pararibulitis attack he never saw coming.

* * *

It figured now he had been told that the others would be looking for him to ask him what his intentions were, that he managed to jump when Mona (who had been a very happy curtain for those 3 weeks or so if the often billowing was anything to go by) appeared as herself right in front of him.

He had totally thought it would have been Bart with a chainsaw right then.. If there was anyone he was going to be prepared for, it'd be her.

"H-hey Mona, didn't see you there" He joked with a shrug of his shoulder and a smile. Todd's usual greeting with the holistic actress as she then giggled back enjoying the childlike humour.

"Have you taken your medicine?"

"No, I haven't. I will do that right now. Thank you Mona"

"Where is Dirk, is he in any trouble. I haven't seen him for a while"

"He's on a case. Something about a cat or? He said he'd only be a couple of days. Farah went with him. I think he's fine Mona. I don't believe he's in any trouble though. Less trouble then he usually is. Actually I might call him" Todd wasn't kidding either. He missed his stupid boyfriend for the past four days with his stupid cuddles, stupid listening and stupid kind heart, especially once he's had an attack. He went toward the cupboard and brought out his pill bottle grabbing a bottle from the fridge along the way and tipped one out placing the bottle back where he'd gotten it from chucking back the pill in his mouth wincing with it's not so nice taste.

"Silly. I would call him, Dirk likes talking to you. He likes knowing you're not lonely and safe. Are you..." Mona stopped for a minute before continuing her loose train of thought. Todd trying to be patient but failing a little each minute that ticked by as she did so. Her face turning serious, and Todd's a little less confident in what was about to happen.

"Are you going to hurt Dirk. Is Dirk going to be in trouble with you, I don't want to see Dirk hurt. He looks after me. He's always tried to. Even when testing begun, he tried to get the others away and place himself there instead. He made me sad when he did that. Are you going to protect him?"

"I-i-i...I should have seen that one coming"

"Will he be okay? With you?"

"I think...maybe with me, he's a little safer than anywhere else. I can't protect him from everything in the world Mona and we might fight from time to time but only because we care about each other, but I can try to say I will do what I can. He's important to me and god, I just know I'm going to end up repeating this to basically everyone besides my sister but I don't have any intention of doing what I did when I first met him or when I abandoned him in Wendimoor after that Priest guy turned up scaring the crap outta him, or whatever Blackwing appears to have done. I'm going to screw up at times but so is he. Learning process or whatever.I can't promise anything other than that. I'm just going to try my best, and see what we can do but I like us...together...in one piece"

"That sounds...better"

"I'm sorry for whatever happened to you as well Mona. Whatever made you...upset or"

"Todd? Is it alright if I give you..a..hug?"

The man nodded and let her comfort him using what was better than any words just then. She didn't even mention the appearance of his redder eyes now not even hearing the key turn in the fairly loose lock. Just Mona opening her arms to embrace gently.

"Bye Farah! Todd?! Todd what are you doing up? Oh! Did Mona have to remind you about your medication, well I suppose that's fair enough but maybe we should let go of the person we're hugging there and move away to the sofa instead?"

Todd sighed fondly rolling his eyes as he let go of Mona mouthing a thank you to her, him now travelling across the room and lying down on his back on the couch happily waiting for Dirk to get his own quick drink and settle down next to him taking in his deep breathing and feel of what jacket he'd been wearing today. Dirk now literally snuggling into his side burying his head into the crook of Todd's neck grinning a little.

"You asshole. You did this on purpose because you wanted to cuddle with me, didn't you?"

"Would I really try that sort of trick, you silly thing Todd"

"Screw off! You totally would! Hey...I...uh..."

Dirk took his head out from where it'd had been lifting it to meet his boyfriend's eyes – and didn't that phrase still bring something light and beautifully marvellous to the pair of them – and placed a hand gently on his almost healed side tracing it up and down his jeans with his other on Todd's chest letting his partner figure out if he wanted to say the words or use his actions to say what he wanted instead. Todd grateful he was always given the choice.

"I missed you"

Jesus, now Dirk was fucking beaming and he didn't know where to look.

"I missed you too. Now can we nap or something, I am very tired, Farah did her usual Farah thing but I find that I ended up being trapped underneath a goblin who wanted some sort of rare chocolate inflatable thing alongside with a parrot. I quite missed Module A...even if that means we have more shooty things towards us"

"I am always down for ignoring life"

"You might as well get comfy then because we are not moving until tomorrow afternoon at the latest, plenty of cuddle and maybe kissing time. Honestly I think kissing is one of the best things ever invented especially when it's you. Todd, are you blushing? I'm merely stating facts. Oh...stupid Dirk always forgetting people in the room focusing on boyfriends! Mona, is everything okay? You're out from your hiding place I see"

Mona leaned over the pair of them smiling.

"Fine Dirk! I'd quite like to go back to what I was being before now I know you are safe and Todd is with you. Todd and I worked things out Dirk, we're going to get better now. Don't let the wizard man touch your hands, bad things will happen" With that Mona went back into a shape of a cushion humming contently, Todd watching on as she did so.

When he looked back, Dirk was still moving his hand up and down his thigh to his ankle watching everything his partner was doing with unmitigated joy and somewhat awe. They'd talked once or twice about the universe not granting anything he could keep, Todd holding him tighter with each sentence saying even if the director of the new Blackwing came, he'd punch their lights out before they could get anywhere near. Dirk smiling gratefully the way through. Besides that they hadn't said anything more about the place. Todd never wanting to push. Right now he'd thought Dirk was going to talk a bit more about the case or day when he instead moved his lips towards his chest, to his cheek, his forehead and finally one of the lightest, sweetest kisses he'd ever received to his mouth, Todd's eyes remaining open throughout, Dirk's eyes closed swept up in the gestures before patting his best friend's shoulder closing his eyes to calm himself down from the crazy afternoon and week he'd just had.

The shorter man then picking up his own hand and tracing his pinky finger from the top of his forehead to where his shoulder blades met, letting out a breath betraying how scared he had been that Dirk wasn't outside now, back in the safety of the couch both of them melting into the action enjoying the positive touches. Todd would never say anything to having missed being wrapped up in such warm tenderness at all throughout the last week or so either, and if asked he would NOT admit to anything like what was happening or how he'd been feeling so perfectly caressed again so fuck off.

Todd now drifting off into a nice sleep, it had been a good day.

* * *

"Farah, where have you moved the files to, I can't remember where I put it. Please don't tell me you reorganised everything. Mind you I haven't been here for about 2 months so files?"

When no voice or body appeared, he just sighed. Still being stuck on paperwork was killing him but at least he was allowed to work in the office now and walk to it. It had been a whirlwind two to almost three months and he was discovering more of Dirk's weird and wonderful habits each day since he'd owned up to his feelings. Witnessing him shrink into a corner after a fully bad night mare at least three times or more a week never helped the pain he felt at what had gone in Blackwing but when he could coax his best friend back into bed with platitudes of saying he was safe and wanted seemed to at least bring the British man back from the brink into curling back to Todd's warm bed and body. Dirk himself helping through his now frequent attacks holding him, pushing the pill into his mouth when he couldn't take it himself and staying half an hour after it was all over making sure he was okay to continue on before they went back to what they were doing beforehand. Whenever they needed space, they gave it to the other and when they needed a talk, they made sure it happened...even if it took them a few days to actually sit down and do that. Todd really wanted this to work and so he would work at it. They were working on it, no one had left the other yet, they were okay. Todd was happy. He had Amanda, Farah and the Rowdy 3 somehow along with one of the best men he'd ever known who also hadn't left him yet despite Todd being...Todd. Things were okay in his life for once feeling a little less guilty than he had done ever before. He was even thinking about moving in properly into Dirk's flat. It was bigger than his anyways not the case that he missed him whenever he wasn't around or couldn't hear when there were sleepless evenings below him not able to help.

He walked round to where he found Farah had stored the rest of their folders just putting it down in one of them for now – he could sort it out later - and when he turned round he yelped while also jumping back towards the file a little almost bumping his head on said folder upon seeing a weirdly clean Bart Curlish.

"Hey"

"Jesus! Goddammit! What is it with you bunch and creeping up on people? Still the amount of times Dirk's crept up on me, I suppose I should be used to it by now"

"Where's Dirk?"

"Out"

"Again?! Dirk gets out a lot huh? Um, I don't know how to say this, universe sorta led me this way. Saw a thing the other day through your window, I think I was meant to but I uh"

"Bart, are you holding a serrated knife?"

"Yeah, I got business to do after this"

Todd moved forward. Honestly if he hadn't had these two months and a year now since this all began, he doubted he'd be as calm as he was. And honestly Bart had the means to hurt him but never had, and she'd been a lot of fun to be around so he imagined he was on good terms with her personally. Looking down he noticed in her other hand she held a box of doughnuts. Most likely for Dirk, Bart liked Dirk, especially when one of their cases brought them to Blackwing breaking her out of there. Dirk hadn't run from her then, just patted her shoulder telling her she needed to run, run quickly, the universe needed her out there.

"So can I take a message?"

"Oh! Is the universe talking to you now too?!"

Todd wondered how her brain worked sometimes. Whenever he was near her he felt fearful, concerned and weirdly comforted by the assassins presence. She could be a lot like Mona sometimes, her brain working too fast for anyone else to keep up. No one else talked to them so he supposed talking to themselves had been the next best thing, Blackwing keeping them from anything that resembled normal, anything healthy. Not for the first time did his blood boil when thinking about what went on there.

"Bart, is everything okay, no Blackwing trouble?"

"You sure Dirk's not here? And no, I'm here cos I wanted to be. Told you, universe decided it wanted me here"

"Okay. Well. Dirk's definitely not here"

"Good. Cos I don't think he'd like to hear what I gotta say next. You wanna sit? You look like you're about to like fall down or something"

Todd manoeuvred himself into his desk chair with Bart flopping down, spreading out on the other in front of his desk waiting for her to continue her trail of thought not wanting to interrupt. Bart passed a doughnut over while taking one for herself.

"Heard you with Dirk then? Like Ken maybe would have been with me?"

Todd attempted to stop the smile that was beginning to take hold of him at the mere mention of his partner's name although it didn't really work. Considering he had had an attack earlier this morning which had wiped him out until now, he had given him his pill, kissed his cheek afterwards like usual, made him popcorn and a really strong coffee saying he had him, it was over and it was all okay now staying that half hour until he was sure he could exit with Farah on a walk. Todd had decided to keep working to take his mind off it instead. He nodded to Bart as a way of an answer.

There was silence for a while, just the sounds of them eating the food she'd brought.

"You gon' hurt him? Y'know like Ken hurt me? Cos I gotta be honest, I don't wanna have to kill ya, but I will if you hurt him. We got a weird thing, but it's still like a, like a thing. Universe don't want me to. So don't. I like you, you seem like a good person, you busted me out of where I didn't like and people don't do that to me y'know. You're like a, like a good thing the universe projected onto us lot, that don't happen 'less it's supposed to. Hope Dirk don't hurt you either. I gotta go kill that person now, don't wanna have to come back here 'less the universe says so. I'll leave those here for you"

Bart sat up, ruffled Todd's hair before leaving holding her knife closer to her as she exited out of their agency.

The former singer sagged with relief as she left, that had to have been one of the hardest things in his life to get through and that was saying something despite what he had been witnessing through recent times. He knew Bart would be protective but to be that concerned for another, to be concerned for Todd? That was plain insanity. Farah had warned him of all this, all the Blackwing people getting wind of him dating the detective somehow (maybe it was the universe playing a funny joke at his expense) but he didn't know how far it would stretch thinking surely they'd all come up to him by now praying that maybe this had been the biggest brunt of it.

* * *

It totally wasn't the biggest brunt because about another 3 months later a properly back to work and usual grumpy self Todd Brotzman was brought down off of his high horse that he thought the universe had finally chilled out with him (Todd counting in his head that it had been 5 months since getting together, helping each other through normal days to bad days to really bad days and 2 since he even thought about bringing up the word starting with L in his head to say to him) that he remembered there were 6 people in a van who hadn't come up to him yet. He didn't know when the Rowdy 3 would appear nor did he want to take the chance on guessing a direct date.

He really had to learn to stop testing the limits. He always lost.

* * *

The agency air never felt clearer. Todd being back to work normally had been something of a blessing and a curse. On one hand he was able to get stuck back into the cases, and on the other he was back to being shot, stabbed and magically thrown across a room at once more. Still at least as he settled back into his chair at his desk there had been no other people asking the man what his intentions were towards a certain holistic person. He'd been lying in wait the minute his brain had registered they were the only people left that might actually care about Dirk coming his way, wondered that if they did, he could be able to hide underneath earlier said desk. He wasn't too closed off emotionally to admit they terrified the crap outta him. Thinking about their potential words he zoned in on how best to remain cool and that he could look out for the energetic man even as he still wished he knew how to properly take care of Dirk when all the mentions of his closed off life came for him at any point in the day or evening. Todd wasn't ever going to be the most attentive but he knew within his soul or something, Dirk was one of the people who'd clawed his way through making him want to at least make a try. He'd accepted Dirk might never tell his boyfriend what really went on in Blackwing or on the especially low days although he sometimes wanted to press, lash out as hard as he could just to counteract his anger on the matter somewhere else.

Then on the 7th month, he received a text from his sister. Saying something was bringing them all that way into Seattle, they'd be fifteen minutes away and he had better have snacks on hand if he didn't want them to wreck anything in the office.

Todd rolled his eyes at the text firing back one of his own saying there was always food in their office due to the amount of food they all consumed on their cases keeping weird hours anyways then tossed his phone back onto the desk putting his head on it as well. There was no escaping this time and if he wanted to see his sister, then he'd just have to deal with it. Keep the freaking out to a minimum. Somehow.

He lifted it up when he heard the music and van engine click off bracing for the madness of them all. Glancing round he at least appreciated that Farah and Dirk were off yet again investigating something or searching for a new case or however things came to them in general. He wouldn't like an audience neither was there ever a need for one.

Maybe the 3 had had their own hunch with their timings and it had all joined together like normal.

Barely having time to get up off of his chair, he was tackled by his sister pulling him up into a hug noting that not seeing Dirk in the place had exited sadly hopping back into the van.

"Hey loser! Miss me?! Where's Dirk? And Farah? I thought you were back on cases all action-y again or?"

"Hey sis. No, I'm just working on something else while they look for something. That does not mean they're not keeping me here against my will. I'm recovering, I'm okay I promise. No stabbings or stuff, I swear. Um, you know you can all actually enter into the office, food's on Farah's desk over there if you want something as well" Todd motioned as he broke out of the hug which both of the siblings had both been clinging onto hearing Vogle squeal as he delved into the snacks pulling out the ones he wanted, the rest of them picking one of their own and spreading out onto Dirk's desk and other chairs they'd shoved across the room.

"How've you been? Everything okay?" He started as Amanda pushed him back down into his chair not wanting to keep him standing and her jumping onto his desk staring into his face.

"Fine Todd. Everything is fine. Everything good with you and Dirk, no need for me to perform anything on you?"

The Rowdies clearly having been waiting for a cue like that, Cross starting first. Frankly Todd thought, sometimes the universe lived to torment him. Maybe if he hadn't acted like such a dick, maybe it'd be a little easier or maybe Dirk would have told him off like he had the evening he told Todd he just wanted him.

"Icarus not here? Ya sure? Thanks for the opening drummer!"

"Okay before any of you go any further and give another wound to add to the ones I got, no Dirk is not here, neither is Farah. No I don't know how any of you I guess besides my sister telling but yes we've been dating for about 7 months or so since I got hurt, no it is not because I got hurt, yes I care about him, and yes you can eat this food. Anything else, if not thanks for letting me see Amanda and stopping by"

He'd prayed that maybe they'd now leave especially as he now started to move towards the door to open it but then Martin doubled back round, closed the door, shoved him a little further back and made it so he had no other option than to now lean back up against the desk with his arms on either side with the oldest Rowdy closer towards him, eyes raking over him as if sizing him up. Todd gulped as the others giggled. Vogel now offering the next snack he'd opened to Gripps.

"You attempting to run away from us boy? Your sis said Icarus has been looking after you. We wanted to make sure you were looking after him. Ain't easy...looking after people like us. Lotta stuff to deal with..up there, and in here. Gotta make sure you ain't walking away from him anytime soon" Martin said as he pointed to his head and then to his heart. Amazed Martin who had according to Amanda had said they just followed him for his energy a year or so before.

"Not like, I'm not glad that Dirk has people watching out for him because I admit I'm not the best person to be with, but you barely know him. All you did was chase him for his energy and then team up in Wendimoor which by the way I believe was for Amanda's sake so why do you care so much? Why should you be the ones worried? Why do you care what happens to him?"

The air changed. All of the boys stopped in their tracks looking at him. The giggling ceased as they all came towards him. Amanda's eyes glaring at him in the way he'd talked to her friends before looking further and her face sharpening as she figured out how to take Todd's new emotional tethers.

"Do you know what happened to us in that place?"

"No. I mean..I guess...I have an idea. He hasn't told me what happened. I don't know whether he will? Honestly I don't think he likes talking about something that broke him down so easily. I want to know so I can take care of him. I'm fed up of the evenings where I have to either hold him down to stop him hitting his head on the cabinet when he can't get to something fast enough or having to, like, calm him down because he's been screaming so hard he's woken himself up in sweats and like actually crying! All that negative reinforcement pushed him to believe he was broken and Dirk...Dirk is someone..more than that. I mean I don't mind helping him through that because at least that way I know I can actually look after someone but I...We ran into someone from there a while ago, Dirk said he was called Priest? And..wait why are you all shifting, what happened?!"

"No one you need to bring up Brotzman. Vogle ran into him too. Fact that he offered the name up suggests he trusts you enough to not do anything with it. He ever tells you, you gonna do anything with it? Cos he's right, he may not tell you but something big tells me he might. Small doses or otherwise, I think he will. We can tell you a few things, but everyone's experience was treated differently for their results. You wanna take care of your boy, then you gotta learn some of the things we went through or Icarus can come get us after we tell ya. You sure you want to know some of Blackwing?"

Amanda looked back and forth to her brother and her friends not sure if she wanted to listen to what they'd gone through. Her older brother looked as if he was dying to know but the hesitancy on his face betrayed the sureness in his voice as he whispered a yes.

All four of the boys gestured to the other as they tried to decide who should start what they knew. None of them really excited to share the knowledge of what they'd gone through either. But if they wanted their British guy to be watched out and protected for then they had to start here with one of the most naturally grumpiest people they'd ever met.

"Most days, you got tested on. Which is this card, what does the back say. Sometimes you got something wrong, you got sent into no man's land, no people or light. Sometimes no food. They wanted to see what happened if they injected some things into the body that other people would die from lethal doses of but with other projects, they could do it constantly knowing they could be healed after. Electrocutions could be heard across towards your cages. The one we heard more than anyone's was Icarus's. Boy used to put up a fight, scream that he wasn't psychic and that it wouldn't ever work. Used to yell the cages would break free one day and they wouldn't be able to contain us any further. Used to have people come into your room and get you up trying to figure out the next day's news and if you could prevent it and if you couldn't you were sent in to a soundproof room by Priest. Used to get manhandled into our cages because they needed to fix something they'd broken. Boy used to say he was too. I don't know what else happened. So you ask us why we care guitar boy? It's because Blackwing ain't going to screw any one of us over no more. Ain't on one going to break us any further" Martin finished with a grimace trying to ignore Amanda's tears.

"Yeah Icarus is one of us! Gotta look out for us! I mean, he's yummy but like we said to the boss man, no one deserves what happened to us man! Don't want to hear his screams no more!" Vogel screeched over Martin drawing attention to him, Amanda patting the top of his shoulder to calm him down a little.

"I don't want to hear anymore of his crying. You could taste it when eating" Gripps joined in nudging Cross to say anything if he wanted to.

"Or when he made the attempt to get out and as punishment they starved and shocked him for a week on and off even in his sleep. We told you. Not a good place"

Todd was finding it very hard to stay standing. Hence why when his knees buckled beneath after him a few seconds after Cross stopped speaking, Martin very gently lead him to a chair nodding as he moved away to give the space that was most likely needed right then knowing that when things were unveiled like this, it needed processing. He chanced a look to his own Brotzman letting her hug him as tightly as possible eyes brimming with tears only letting go to place a hand on her brother to see if he was good too.

Todd wasn't sure if he wanted to hear anymore. Right now he just wanted to be able to hold Dirk and apologise for everything. God, how had Dirk even managed to come back from that. He wished he could take back it all and then find whoever had been running the show and punch them in their stupid experimentation faces.

"You can't do nothing now Todd" The sound of the oldest Rowdy actually using his name for once shocking him back to the present slightly weirded out by it. The actual saying of his name made him straighten up ready for whatever seriousness the man was about to unleash.

"Yeah I mean it boy. You can't stop what happened to us but you can watch out for him now. You ain't ever heard Icarus fight for breath either or watch him land in a dumpster for three days cos he got nowhere else to go, not anywhere to eat either. Fella was used to, and he may be scared of us critters but we wanna look out for him, the way no one else did for 'im...or us. Icarus ain't alone anymore, and he let us search for you and Drummer. No where else we'd be. So maybe we got to pay our dues, and that starts with his boyfriend. So tell us, you gonna hurt him? Or you are gon make some of the pain go 'way?"

The assistant tried not to let his heart skip at the word boyfriend, something which always happened whoever said it. Especially when Dirk said it feeling a faint blush come over him hearing his little sister's giggles at it. Jesus, Todd's life kept going from one to one thousand. Why was this happening? Why was it always to him this happened?! That didn't erase any of the shock throughout about what he'd learned about Dirk's past although it explained some of the nightmares he was always having or that the most overprotective thing he had gotten had been from three psychic vampire energy feeding dudes worried about their 'boy' not just their meal. He suspected maybe it hadn't been that way for a while. Todd needed a drink. Not noticing that everyone was staring at him expectantly. He may have been dubbed emotionally constipated by his sister often enough but if she had seen what he was like around his boyfriend she might have taken those words back. Dirk constantly so open trying to break down those doors not knowing he had already done so. Without Dirk even knowing it, he'd managed to create his own family since the Patrick Spring case. Have people looking out for him and make sure he didn't stumble on anything too dangerous without someone who actually knew how to handle it right there with him. Dirk had managed to make himself the small but loved family he'd always hoped and wanted for dragging Todd into all of that with him. Even if some of them were certainly a lot stabbier than anticipated.

He wondered if Dirk knew how much he was being watched out for. Or if he had managed to avoid meeting everyone who had crossed Todd's path since his injury. He could be completely oblivious to the weirdest of things he thought fondly.

He raised his head to look up and around the room. He focused on a still faintly teary Amanda near her Rowdy boys who were now shuffling fairly awkwardly at their emotional outburst. Thank God he wasn't the only one then. Todd shook his head as if to clear away the negativity of the stories of Blackwing and the upset it caused to the other projects then walked round to his desk folding his arms and leaning on it again thinking about what he was going to say before he chose to speak watching his sister roll her eyes knowing all his tells when it came to shit like this.

"I'm not leaving him. Not so long as I can help it. Dirk is actually good for me, and I like him. A lot. He may be the most irritating man alive but he..takes care of me...and..I take care of him, that's all anyone besides Amanda needs to know, and besides I already got told by Farah, Mona and Bart, you guys are the next lot. I'm not going to hurt him. I...you know what, fuck it,you're the only guys here and seeing as you're okay with all of this and you've let me in on some stuff. I am crazy about him, I'm so gone for him and I think I'm in fucking love with the idiot, I wanna ask him if he's okay with me moving into his apartment, drink his god-awful coffee, and hang out with him,sit with him while I play guitar and he just does whatever, and let him annoy me day in, day out and just be around him"

The reformed singer exhaled a breath. It felt good getting all that out there. Some of the three gawping with Martin smirking about to light a cigarette clearly done with talking for the conversation right then. Amanda trying hard not to look dazed or huff out a laugh.

Then all of a sudden he was being pulled into a short hug and claps on the back by all of them.

"Can we go eat that other stuff now boss?" Vogle asked as Amanda gave the yes over leaving the boys to it.

"Martin, can you go over there too so I know we leave at least some of their snacks for them?"

"You got it drummer. Boys! Leave some for the others"

Amanda watched on until she walked over to Todd's desk leaning against it mirroring his pose knocking his shoulder.

"You mean it, you think you might be in love with Dirk?"

"Yeah. Yeah I think so. He's good for me. I meant it when I said all I wanted to was be around him. He gives nice hugs" Todd explains as if that was the whole reason.

"Dude, you are so far gone. I have never heard you talk about like that about anyone. But if you do end up hurting him then believe me when I say, if you hurt him, normal relationship arguments not permitted, I will come back and exact rightful vengeance. In fact I would go so far as to pull my bad-ass witchakookoo powers over you. I agree with you Todd. I like who you've started to change into, you're less bitter, and you're startlingly honest, and you're finally letting me be who I want to be. And you...you actually seem happy Todd. Not your fake happy when you were lying to me or your on/off happy with the band. I'm okay with knowing this Todd. In fact I could happily be a sister to this Todd. I'm happy for you"

"Thanks sis. Hey, I love you"

Amanda just knocked his knees with hers with the faintest of smiles.

"We're going to spend another few hours here, if that's okay Todd. I think the boys need the food and all that, and I really think Beast wants to see if Dirk comes back before we go, and honestly so do I. I'm sort of exhausted, can I nap on like your desk or whatever?"

"Yeah, go right ahead. I'll keep an eye on the others for you. Wake you up in an hour?"

Amanda just hugged him lightly moving to curl on his desk grabbing one of Todd's many jackets he brought into the office because it was so often cold and placed it under her head falling asleep almost instantly.

* * *

Todd thought maybe the hour would go as quickly as possible but it dragged more than one of his worst gigs ever. Still he couldn't find it in himself to be that mad when his sister was still asleep on his desk and the Rowdies being quiet playing thumb wars and charades with each other. When he looked through the window he felt even better seeing Farah and Dirk enter through the door waking Amanda up as quickly as possible so she could be the first one to hug them as they came through.

Dirk after the lovely hug and faint squeak from the group hug from the Rowdies started looking round for something only to smile with relief when he saw Todd in the corner going over to him quickly kissing him with the biggest enthusiasm he could muster. Todd pretending not to smile into it. Farah coming up to see how he was afterwards patting him on the shoulder happy to see he was doing better. All of them coming round to stand in some form of semi circle.

"Hello Todd, how long has your sister and the Rowdy 3 been here for? It must be fairly long as we ran into Beast outside kicking her feet in the van, I believe while she was happy to see me and I her, she was also getting antsy"

"I think she was waiting for you to turn up, not long though, just an hour or so, honestly I haven't paid attention. Taxes are boring as shit"

"Weren't you the one who said they had to be done though?"

"Doesn't mean it's not boring. What's up anyways, you and Farah done now, can we go home?"

"Yes we're done, and it was very interesting although I can't say despite Farah being basically amazing, that I'm not ready for Module A to reform, I believe I have quite missed you by my side in all walks of life. Oh and can we get ice cream? I think we should, just a hunch"

"We can get ice cream. But try and lick off of mine again and I will not hesitate to drop it onto your head this time. I do not want your germs Dirk. One cold was enough. I haven't been sleeping well though, think some of the attacks have taken it out on me more than usual, so I might just crash on the bed when we get in"

Dirk looked as if he'd grown another head. Clearly he hadn't been expecting Todd to say what he had just assuming he'd go back to his apartment after the day. The room going fairly silent.

"Yeah asshole. I...I haven't thought of my apartment as home anymore, much prefer sharing a space with you so...can I...would you...do you wanna move in together?"

Dirk looked so elated that he pulled Todd in for another hug and sweet but short kiss listening to the whoops and cheers of his sister, his best friend and the weird family unit that happened to be the Rowdy 3.

"Okay, let's leave these gross boys to it, let's go! Todd, I'll text you okay? Please don't put yourself back into hospital and ruin my down time from the universe. Love to you both!" She held the middle finger up to her brother after hugging him and pressing a kiss to Dirk's cheek giving a cheery wink as she exited out the door shrugging on her jacket leaving her brother to bark out a quick laugh. He was happy to be this sort of brother to her too.

The younger Rowdies left right after waving hands or taking some of the snacks from the table munching on them happily on the way out leaving the oldest one there to look over the pair and giving Farah some sort of coin from their latest travels as she settled down into her chair finding her car keys to be able to go home for the day.

"Now we seen it in the flesh, you're okay. You look real serious. But my boys and I reserve the right to kick your ass if you hurt Icarus here, got it. Boys, Drummer, we good to go? We got your back Icarus, don't worry. Blackwing people gotta stay together, all we got is each other. Your boy here seems to care, might have even mentioned the L word, don't be surprised if he don't say it all too soon though, he's kinda squirrelly. Don't be strangers now" He said as he leaned down into them before chuckling as he moved out the door and into his van starting it up and driving away into the distance. Dirk permanently stunned.

"If you two do not have any more need for me, I will be going home but I expect you to text me when you are also there and to tell me when you are coming in tomorrow. I will not be the only one writing emails"

"Of course we will Farah! I'll even get Todd to bring in doughnuts! Not the boring ones though! We can have a party to celebrate Todd being less stabby!"

"O-okay. I don't believe you can get boring doughnuts but I guess if there's nothing else? Well can we plan at home because I think if I stay here any longer then I'll end up dropping on the ground outside"

He ignored Dirk's beam at the use of the word home and Farah's subtle but fond sighing.

* * *

They'd only been in a minute through the door before Todd felt himself being huddled against the door in a bear hug. He had to pat Dirk's shoulder to make sure he actually got put down.

"Are you sure everything's alright? I know your attack this morning didn't exactly help matters"

Todd swatted his arm away ignoring the fact he was being this affectionate with someone.

"I'm fine"

"Todd?"

"Yeah?"

"Nothing"

Todd stared blinking a little until Dirk turned to walk into the kitchen. He let the question go knowing if it really was that played on his boyfriend's mind it would come back around. No time like the present to get comfortable then.

He instantly went towards the bed in the next room and got into his pyjama bottoms leaving the day's shirt on and collapsed not caring to get out of it any time soon. He plugged his phone into the charger and started to scroll through the texts sent by Amanda and the ones that clearly had been taken over by her Rowdies. There was one which was practically indescribable which may have been Beast attempting to play with the buttons or whatever.

Dirk came back into the bedroom smiling as he also got underneath the covers and grabbing the book he'd been given by Vogel because 'detective dudes are awesome, and I think this guy is worse than you!'. Dirk had taken it in his stead. Halfway though he got a strange tug to be with Todd again even though Todd was right __next__ to him.

"Todd?"

Dirk ignored the fact Todd had maybe been waiting for this as he stopped scrolling and turned it off facing him immediately. He continued on regardless.

"This might sound, no this is definitely quite possibly going to sound slightly odd but are you? Have you...been feeling a quite frankly overwhelming desire for me to be near you lately?"

Okay Todd hadn't expected that. Started laughing.

"What the shit Dirk? No..no I haven't. I mean I..I do like being near you especially when I know you're somewhere where I can keep an eye on you and for like other stuff"

"Oh"

"I guess you're going to say you have?"

"Well actually Todd, I have! It's been the weirdest thing! I've had the weirdest urge, well hunch, to be with you at odd hours of the day. Ever since we got together really. I've just thought I've needed to be alongside you in some form of protection? I know I haven't been able to because well we've needed to solve the cases but it's been hard knowing something could possibly have happened yet not knowing what"

The former singer's eyes softened. Sometimes (and thank God Todd never had to say it because Dirk somehow just always knew) he really wanted to believe Dirk would just up and leave if it meant he finally got someone else to deal with his whatever. Still selfish and hopeful enough to watch it all pan out.

"I..I've had people near me"

"Well I know that!"

"Will you let me finish? I was saying that I've had people near me because they've been looking out for you"

"For...for me?"

"Yeah. They've been protective of letting someone like me near someone like you let alone dating them. Worried I'm going to get you hurt or lost or something Dirk like. That's why the Rowdies dropped in today, not just for me and Amanda. Bart came by last month and Farah just let words hang in the air which I think frightened me more than I expected honestly"

"Even...even Bart came by? __Bart"__

"Where do you think the sprinkled doughnuts came from that day? We're not exactly rolling in it"

"I don't see the point of it all though" Came the very quick cut-off.

"No?"

"Although I'm grateful, it doesn't seem as if there's a point to doing so when I already know you won't. I haven't been alone since the Patrick Spring case and all it's taken is finding and meeting you. I meant it when all I said I wanted was you Todd. It is nice though having people like the Rowdy 3 and Mona, and Farah and Amanda watch out for me. I find it quite a refreshing change of pace from Blackwing where all there was danger and death. I mean there is still danger and death but with friends and niceness and a Todd to help assist me and -"

"I love you"

The silence seemed to lengthen with each passing minute. There was no-where else to go

"Yeah asshole, that's what I said. Meant it. It's okay if you can't or don't want to say it back just yet. I mean we're only a couple months in but I think you're it for me Dirk. No one else I'd be rather spouting emotional or sharing magical holistic crap with. Not gonna leave you, that's why everyone was so worked up. It took a while but I got there. God I love you, I love everything you do even when it's putting us in mortal danger or helping my attacks or just being here. But before we get invaded by the stupid universe or someone else comes to tell me they're watching my move with every protective thing they got for you, I'd just like to cuddle with my boyfriend on my now very healed body. We can talk more in the morning if ya want but I'm so tired, despite what Amanda said, I bet she let the Rowdies feast my energy a little, I felt it at least, assholes"

He curled up into Dirk's side closing his eyes fairly easily letting Dirk let loose a few tears. Some of the people who he'd formerly associated with pain and sadness had come to help protect him and make sure he was being treated the way they should have been from the start. Dirk had a __family.__

He settled back down slightly moving Todd so he was against his chest instead of his now quite frankly aching shoulder. He turned to face Todd's own smiling as he lifted a small lock of hair away from it then drawing back. Wondered if Todd could hear or if he was now fully asleep. Dirk didn't think it'd matter either way as he opened his mouth and spoke gently.

"I think we're going to be okay. Together for a long time as well I hope. You know I think I've loved you since tumbling out of a car in BergsBerg. Goodnight Todd, sleep well, I hope things are this wonderful in the morning"


End file.
